the field.

God listened.

Went to Northstar bible study tonight, knowing full well that I needed a break and an escape to God. We have been discussing spiritual warfare, but our leader, Zac, was called to a different topic tonight: true fasting in Isaiah 58, and the cost of being a disciple in Luke 14. Check this:

Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice, and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry, and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter, when you see the naked to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. —Isaiah 58: 6–10

Crazy, right?  "Here Linds, I'm inviting you to unyoke and pick up my lighter load." 

And reading this reminded me of study on Tuesday, where we discussed keeping a Sabbath, and truly giving a day of the week to God, work-free. And then look what came next:

If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath, and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way, and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land, and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. —Isaiah 58:13–14

Woah. Needless to say, another "rock my world" moment. Talk about a direct answer. Freedom.  T H E   F I E L D.

Now I am dying to let God twirl me... but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy; I still want to succeed in my plans, and ultimately, keep control. The yoke is heavy, but it is in my hands...

 

I got my answer. Now to wave my white flag...

don't people usually sleep at 4am?

so. very. awake.

so i decided to write a bit.

maybe all this typing will help me sort out my thoughts.

It's funny how one minute you think you have life figured out, and then something hits you, like an seemingly obscure statement, and your whole perception of life is altered. I always thought that school needed to be your first priority...until today when a friend "rocked my world" and told me it was just MY priority. When I was in elementary (and Ohio School, for those of you who know this aspect of my childhood), I was the annoying kid who:

a) did all the (unnecessary) extra credit

b) did extra reports and dioramas for fun, voluntarily

c) frequently wore windpants

You may ask why, but I have no answer. To pacify parents and suck up to teachers, yes, but it was (is) more than that; I compete against myself. It isn't striving to be MY best, but THE best, for pride's sake. I can't seem to be satisfied...ever. Now, it seems to translate into my studio work, and get in the way of sincerely enjoying life and giving up my time and talents to God. It was senior night in Navs today, and the common theme was to invest in friendships, and to ask yourself, what moments will i remember most from college? Even more now that I am living off-campus, when I come home, I retreat to my third-floor hideaway...and slave-away on "pride pieces" cleverly disguised as homework. I am searching for freedom, freedom like when you twirl barefoot in a giant field of wheat, and all you can hear is the rustle of the grain and only feel the wind tangling your hair. Amongst all the layouts and XActos, I have lost my way; I can't find the field. God, how can I be in school and get to the field?

tired now.

i feel so exposed.

discoveries.

what i have discovered in the last five minutes:

—sometimes you just need to unplug. i had been listening Beethoven, when I looked outside and a live symphony of rain patters is in progress. beautiful and delicate...mind-clearing.

—writing is therapy. let your pen have a love affair with paper.

—I unknowingly put on two pairs of socks this morning (two on each foot)

what i have discovered in the last few weeks:

—i need to surrender. at crossroads a few weeks ago, there was a sermon about treasures, that is, stuff you keep near and dear to your heart, and sometimes closer than God. i learn visually, and a motion piece that crossroads created to illustrate the bearing of these treasures has been engrained in my mind. The man in the video was hiking through the woods, dragging his prized treasure chest behind him. he at last becomes exhausted, and comes to a large hole. he looks at the chest, and realizes he must bury his treasures to gain relief. when opening the chest, he sees that his "treasures" are just mud, and not at all what he thought; he had been exhausted by holding onto insignificant remnants. after burying his treasures, he must then bury himself. yes, it was very graphic and moving... alot to chew on. complete surrender, by choice, in order to follow Him. 

—i need to swallow my pride. easier said than done. but i would like to learn some humility, and get my whacked-out priorities in line with God's plans. i will keep asking to see and understand them further...

what i have always known, but needed a little reminding:

—i have friends that are monumental in my life, that lift me up when i can't stand alone, and that lead me back to Him when i'm astray. you inspire me, get me out of bed in the morning, and spur me on with smiles! i cannot express my thankfulness. so i guess, just...thank you. and i give you a blog hug.

God is moving.

there's no place like home

i feel the need to call this posting the same as the one before, but with a completely different connotation.

This blog was initially intended for Switzerland alone, but I can't help it; God is moving in my life, and I am itching to write! I want to yell it from the Swiss mountaintops right now! I love designing, but sometimes using words as your paintbrush can be the key to my soul satisfaction.

God speaks loudly in my life these days. I still do not understand why, and I don't think I ever will—why Steph had to leave us so soon—but I do know that God was with us today, and will mend our hearts, and show us Himself through all this confusion. 

Going home for this was especially difficult, because I had lost a friend, and because I would need to face my nemesis Napoleon head-on in the process. For as long as I can remember, I have been dying to wriggle out of the small town trap, mainly because growing up it was always stressed to escape Napoleon and "really succeed." I have been ashamed of my roots, that I came from a dinky farm town with roads so narrow there aren't yellow lines, and Wal-Mart as a category of entertainment. I felt insecure about coming back unless I had an accomplishment to flaunt, or at least something to separate and convince myself I was never connected to Napoleon. I had let my friendships rust over, and my disgust with small town life taint seriously good memories. In all aspects, I had alienated myself; in trying so hard to be better, and finding droplets of success, I still wasn't content; there were missing pieces.

At the viewing and the funeral, it finally clicked. I miss these people, I miss laughing with them! I am sick of being ashamed of a good thing. I kept searching for something I already had waiting for me. It's a Citizen Kane Rosebud moment..."Maybe Rosebud was something he couldn't get, or something he lost...I guess Rosebud is just a piece in a jigsaw puzzle, a missing piece."

Friendships were rekindled, and my life thoroughly changed within the last 48 hours. Hugs can be so powerful, and can bridge time gaps and conversation droughts. I thirst to find more of my past, admit I was a complete IDIOT for abandoning it, and ready start excavating new memories while building new ones with the people I love. I am the prodigal son.

You practically had to peel me away from Napoleon today. I found memories embroidered on every street, storefront, and person that walked by. I floundered in excitement remembering all the wonderful things, like John L. Johnson, stargazing in the NHS parking lot, the feel of uneven field ground on bare feet, Speng's, how dark the country is at night, the wonderfulness of a conversation at the bank or the BMV.

So thank you, Steph. Thank you so very much for helping me gather my missing pieces. I am home.

there's no place like home

The beginning of the swiss miss blog has arrived.
Please pray for my housing search... that I find nice people to live with, preferably that can speak English. :)
thank you.